Chapter 1 - Emily

Twelve years go by slowly when the only connection you have to the love of your life is photos other people take.

"”No luck yet?!" Hannah shouted, cupping her hand over my ear.

I slightly shook my head from side to side and mouthed “no” in response.

We were regulars at Gossip Grill since it opened earlier this year, coming at least once a week.

The combination of hot pink lights and rainbow flags created a vibrant and energetic atmosphere, with women scattered throughout the bar, some talking and others dancing. The walls were adorned in posters promoting “Drag Queen Brunch,” adding to the playful and lively ambiance. Despite the lower-than-usual crowd, the atmosphere was still electric.

A few groups of women were scattered throughout, some of them talking loudly, trying to be heard over the bass beat, though the majority of them were dancing. Despite being early in the night, the crowd was a little thinner than usual, but it always grew as the night went on. As we made our way through the bar, I couldn't help but take in all the colorful sights - women dancing, rainbow flags swaying above us, and laughter filling the air. This bar had been like a playground for me, with a track record of successful hookups to prove it.

The only thing I didn’t like about the place was that the lights always hid my freckles. It was always a surprise to people when they finally noticed them up close.

"Ah, you have freckles!" they would exclaim drunkenly, as if stumbling upon hidden constellations mapped across my skin for the very first time. It was a familiar reaction which I greeted with a smile, even though I'd heard it countless times before. I’d often used it to further conversations or increase and promote a little physical touch with a new potential lover. Hannah would roll her eyes knowing that once the freckles came out, the girl did too.

I took a sip of my IPA, savoring the notes of citrus and hops. The familiar taste brought back memories from high school and thoughts of Ashley flooded my mind. But I pushed them away as I navigated through the crowded bar, Hannah by my side. We were on the prowl for our next potential hookups, scanning the sea of women with practiced eyes. Beneath the buzz of alcohol, a twinge of loneliness crept in, but I ignored it and focused on finding my next distraction.

As I turned back toward the bar I saw a woman I didn’t recognize standing alone. I’d been coming here often enough to recognize, or have been with, most of the single regulars. But she was not a regular. Her hair was long, blonde, sleek and modern; it expertly framed her face, accentuating her sharp cheekbones and colorful hazel eyes. A form-fitting black dress hugged her body, emphasizing her subtle curves and drawing attention to her toned arms and legs.

“There,” I said loudly to Hannah who turned quickly and looked where I was subtly pointing.

“Yes. There,” Hannah echoed back. “Let me know if you need me. Have fun!” again shouting at me. She has been a great wingman ever since we tried – and failed at – dating several years ago.

Retracing my steps back to the bar, I took in the woman's bright smile as she sipped from her pink drink. "Mind if I buy you a drink?"

The woman grinned, her eyes lighting up with amusement.

"Only if you're buying the next one too," her voice low and husky in my ear

I nodded enthusiastically and placed an order with the bartender, feeling her lean in close to my side. Our bodies brushed against each other as we both swayed to the music.

“I'm Emily!” I leaned in and extended my hand for a friendly shake. Her grip was firm and warm, giving me the expected thrill I’d hoped for.

“Hi, Emily”, she replied, her smile infectious.

“So what brings you here tonight,” I smiled back.

“Same as everyone else, I guess," she answered, trying to sound casual. “I’m in town on some business and was looking for somewhere warm tonight,” a sly smile crossed her lips. Keeping her eyes on me, she brought the drink to her mouth and with a seductive smile tongued the straw as she took another swallow. She smiled and I felt my heartbeat pick up speed, my throat suddenly parched. I raised my beer to my mouth and drank deeply, the liquid coating my throat.

She leaned in closer, drawn to my charm and beauty, obviously. Her eyes filled with desire, she asked flirtatiously, "So, tell me something interesting about yourself that I wouldn't guess by looking at you."

I hesitated for a moment, considering my options. "I was raised in a cult," I admitted, watching for her reaction.

"Really,” she seemed genuinely intrigued. "That's fascinating! Tell me more!"

"Maybe in the morning," I said optimistically .

The pink lights of the bar reflected in my eyes as I gazed intensely at her, my heart racing with each passing moment. Each beat of the music felt like a blow to my chest, the attraction to this stranger rising with each thump until it was suffocating. Our eyes locked in a silent battle, the air charged with obvious desire.

My heart raced as I took in the sight of her full lips, the way they parted slightly as she leaned in closer. The scent of her perfume, a heady mix of jasmine and sandalwood, filled my senses and made my head spin. Without breaking eye contact and seeing my excitement mirrored on her face, I reached out and ran my fingers through her hair, the silky strands slipping through my fingers with ease. She let out a soft moan as my hand traveled down her neck, tracing the curve of her collarbone before coming to rest on her chest.

Our bodies moved in sync with the music, the beat pulsing between us as we swayed together.

Her hands roamed over my body, exploring each tattoo on my arms. She traced the outline of my hips, her fingers dipping into the waistband of my jeans before moving up my sides to the swell of my breasts. I let out a gasp as the woman's thumbs flicked over my nipples, the sensation sending radiating shockwaves of pleasure down to my center. I could feel myself getting wet, the dampness spreading as I ached to grind my hips against the woman’s thigh. She was daring, sexy, a wonderful distraction.

Her hands glided down towards my stomach and tugged on the button of my jeans, leaving no doubt about her intentions.

I saw Hannah's head peeked out from behind the woman’s, eyes wide open and a huge smile on her face.

With a quick nod and a smile to Hannah I refocused my attention on my new friend.

"Do you wanna get out of here?" She proposed provocatively, her breath hot against my ear.

"Yes," I admitted quickly, my eyes glancing back and forth between the woman and Hannah, still standing behind her. "My place is just around the corner." I saw Hannah's mouth open wide, still wearing a huge smile. Hannah gestured a phone to her ear and mouthed "call me" then gave me two thumbs up.

The woman nodded in agreement and soon we were outside in the cool night air. The distant sounds of the city offering a soothing contrast to the intensity of the bar we had just left. As we walked hand in hand, my mind drifted to memories of other hands I held on this same path and of distant memories of the warm hands I once held in mine, the hands I will never hold again.

Finally reaching my apartment, I unlocked the door and led the woman inside, our fingers still intertwined. The darkened space felt like a sanctuary, a place where I could explore my desires without judgment or expectation. I turned to face her, the desire that had been present in her eyes earlier now replaced by impatience.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked gently, searching for any sign of doubt in her expression.

She nodded, pushing me back into the door and pressing her body against mine. Gently kissing my closed mouth. "I am," she whispered.

Her hands were warm and gentle as they ran through my hair, pulling me closer. She then moved her hands down my neck to my chest and slowly unbuttoned my shirt. I felt the sudden cool air on my skin as she traced the outline of my ribcage and swiftly unhooked my bra, exposing my breasts to her delight. Her hands were quickly on me, flicking her thumbs over my rigid nipples, sending shockwaves of pleasure through me. I could feel myself getting wetter by the second, desperately wanting more contact between our bodies.

Feeling emboldened by her brazenness, I guided her hands towards my stomach and allowed them to unbutton and unzip my jeans. Every touch, movement, kiss pulled me deeper into distraction from the love I had spent the last decade yearning for.

As our lips met, there was an electrifying spark that ran through my body. I met her tongue with mine, exploring and tasting her as her hands traced the curve of my hips and cupping my full breasts, causing me to gasp into her mouth. My own hands tangled in her hair, gripping tightly and pulling her even closer as our kiss deepened.

I could feel her breath becoming more ragged, her mouth on my neck. She began to move against me in a slow rhythm. I moved my hands down her back, feeling the smoothness of her skin and the curve of her ass. As I squeezed gently, she let out a low growl and bit my bottom lip, sending a jolt of pleasure straight to my core.

"Where's your bed?" she asks, not breaking the kiss.

Breathing heavily, I manage to say "end of the hallway" into her mouth.

One last kiss and she broke free leaving me breathless and panting. In the darkness, I can see her lithe figure sauntering towards my bedroom, gracefully kicking off her heels and unzipping her dress as she moved further away from me. She turned toward me.

"Well, are you coming?"

"Yes, god yes." I replied with a smile. The anticipation building within me, I quickly made my way to the sink and grabbed a glass from the cupboard. As I drank I heard the sudden and familiar "buzz" of a toy from the drawer in my bedside table. I quickly filled the glass again and headed for the bedroom, hoping that this time I won’t think of Ashley. This time it would be different.

I woke alone. A note rested on the pillow next to my own. “Thanks for the memories, San Diego.” No name.

Not unhappy that I woke up alone I sank back down onto my pillow, sighed deeply, and grabbed my phone.

"That was…wow!" I typed.

Hannah's reply came surprisingly quick, especially given the early hour. Her humor shone through even in text. "You're like the 'Welcome Wagon' for baby gays.”

Laughing, I replied “That was no baby gay.”

By force of habit I opened Facebook and with a few muscle memory movements found myself looking at a new picture of Ashley in a very familiar spot above Porcupine Lake. Since leaving Paradise I feared Ashley would make her profile private. Luckily, she had not. I wondered often if she had kept tabs on me like I have her. Does she know that I spend nights with other women pretending they were her? Does she ever think about me?

It’s been twelve years since I spoke to her. Twelve years since we last looked into each other’s eyes. Seeing photos and videos of her through the years never made the separation easier. I missed her. I wanted her. I couldn’t ever have her.

I closed my eyes and held the phone tightly to my chest, sinking down even further into my pillow. Even through the distance of time I could remember her piercing blue eyes, which somehow still gave me butterflies. Twelve years go by slowly when the only connection you have to the love of your life is photos other people take.

- 1998-

I walked into the pool area with excitement, my eyes immediately drawn to the other members of the swim team already in the water. Their bodies cut through the surface with each stroke as the fluorescent lights overhead cast shadows on the concrete walls, giving the natatorium a sterile and eerie feel.

Beside the pool, Coach stood with a stopwatch in hand, her usual serious expression etched on her face. I dreaded the first laps of practice but hoped that today I’d finish them quickly. The ordinary moment seemed destined to be forgotten until I noticed an unfamiliar person walking toward the blocks in my periphery.

Ashley was new to Mountain Crest High School, her presence announced with a quiet self-assuredness and regal calmness that set her apart from the nervous energy of other new students. Her poised demeanor carried her five-foot-four-inch slender frame past me and the other girls waiting for our turn at warmups. Ashley’s confidence turned every swimmer’s head, including mine.

My gaze locked onto hers as she looked up briefly, and in that fleeting moment, the world seemed to slow down. The distant shouts of the coach and clamor of swimmers faded into the background as my world fell silent, replaced by the thudding of my heart and rapid breathing.

Ashley was introduced to the team by Coach, but I barely heard her name. All I could focus on was how she stood calmly and authoritatively, adjusting her goggles with the ease of someone who had done it a thousand times before.

Faintly, I could hear my name being called, but recognition didn’t quite register.

“Emily…” The sound grew nearer and stronger.

“Emily! Get in the pool!” hollered Coach. Shaken from my trance, I noticed my teammates giggling at me as I jumped into the pool with more splash than grace. With all of my heart, I wished I could erase the last three minutes.

Ashley slid gracefully into the lane next to mine without a word or splash, our arms brushing underwater as we settled into position. For a split second, I felt the warmth of her skin against mine, sending a shiver throughout my body. There was an electricity in the air, a new sensation that I couldn’t quite identify.

When the whistle finally blew, I launched myself through the water, swimming stroke for stroke beside Ashley. I caught glimpses of her with every breath on each fourth stroke. I pushed myself harder than I had in weeks, and it wasn’t just my arms and legs pushing me. It was this new girl - an enigma, a challenge, an enchantment. The more I tried to center my thoughts on my own stroke, the more I focused on the girl swimming beside me.

As we both reached the other end of the pool and surfaced, gasping for breath, I glanced over to find blue eyes already watching me. I recognized curiosity and amusement in her stare, making my heart race faster.

Neither of us spoke, but in that silent exchange, I feared that this was no ordinary girl and this was no ordinary stare.

- 2010 -

Ashley went to our secret spot at Porcupine Lake and posted a photo on her very public Facebook page. Maybe she had posted the photo knowing I would see it. Part of me wondered if she had posted it for me. All of me hoped she had.